100 things I hate, well Hate is a strong term, dislike, irks me, causes annoyance

1. People who slurp their tea and then sign with satifaction afterward, surely the point of a cup is that you can tilt the contents into your mouth.
2. Text speak being used outside of a text message e.g txt, l8r etc.
3. Text speak being used within a text message.
4. People who are crap at telling stories and yet still constantly tell stories.
5. Buying taytos and then finding out they're soft.
6. When all the ads on telly are synchronised on every channel.
7. People who constantly drive 20 miles an hour slower than the speed limit.
8. Auld ones who never look before crossing the road, even if you dare beep at them, they can't hear you.
9. Having a free seat on the bus next you and at the next stop, the wrank smelly overweight alcoholic wobbles past all the other free seats and decides to sit down next you, for the next 200miles.
10. People who call their pets their children
11. People who make facebook pages for their pets.
12. When you stop to talk to someone you know in the street but they keep walking.
13. Women automatically assuming they can do better
14. Marty Whelan's moustache.
15. Gossipers
16. Ads on tv that make you feel guilty.
17. The way people say Goodbye a hundred times on the phone, i.e Okay yeah, byebyebyebyebyebye bye byebyebye ding.
18. Jehova's who never laugh at my joke; "Have you found jesus?" "yes, he was behind the couch".
19. People who talk about their children constantly and are convinced their child is gifted, despite the fact the child is rolling in dog shite as you talk them.
20. When the music in a night club gets really loud just as a girl tells you her name and number so you miss it.
21. Men who have long finger nails.
22. Asking someone to repeat themselves more than twice.
23. The smell from bacon and cabbage.
24. Bacon and cabbage.
25. The person who invented bacon and cabbage.
26. the way people who wear glasses all the time, look completely different when they take them off, makes me think they are in disguise the whole time.

27. Hangovers.
28. People who pronounce; thesaurus, 'tess are us'.
29. Fair city.
30. Actors in fair city, I use the term actors incredibly loosely.
31. Ponchos.
32. Arrogance and assumption.
33. The accordian.
34. Uncle Ben ads.
35. People who over prononce their wh's, WHat WHo Where, shut up.
36. Birds that don't fly off when your driving towards them, and eventually they do but they've left it too late, so you hit one by accident and then feel guilty.
37. Being by a window seat on a train when its night time, no matter what you do, you end up making eye contact with someone, you can't look ahead, you can next to you, so you look out the window, big mistake, you eyeballs are reflected into someone right across the carriage.
38. Jordan, the woman not the country, Kerry Katona aswell.
39. Eating soup and having nowhere to look.
40. Prick teasing.
41. Arguments that start like thus; "What you thinking about?" "nothing", "You must be thinking about something?" "I'm not", "Why don't you talk to me?" "I do, I'm not thinking about anything" "Then why are you getting angry?" "because you keep asking me stupid questions?" "Your a pain" "Argh! I didn't start this".
42. Women who confuse politeness with chauvenism.
43. Poor production values.
44. Andy Murray.
45. Requests on facebook that end with the phrase, 'most people won't put this on their profile, but will you?' will you ever just feck off.
46. Honda Civics.
47. Bad shit music.
48.Constipation.
49. Diarrhoea.
50. Meeting someone you haven't met in ages and the suddenly realising why you haven't met in ages, the person is a plank.
51. Women who change their mind about anything all the time.
52. Tripping up embarraingly, arse, legs, arms and head all over the place.
53. Standing on a up-turned plug.
54. Not being able to get the temperature in the shower just right.
55. Watching a great film and the minute a sex scene begins the fact that your parents magically call in to ask if you'd like some tea.
56. First dates, for instance going to the cinema and deciding to see a film called 9 songs, what could possibly be offensive about a film called 9 songs, aaaaahhh this is just fecking typical...
57. The way women think we are the crazy ones.
58. Sitting on your balls, or a ball by accident, but being somewhere where you can't just roar, you have to sit and endure the stomach wrenching pain.
59. The horse woman from sex and the city
60. Bruno Mars being able to make money from shit that I could write after a lobotomy.
61. Lighting a huge lump of Magnesium and being at the age that you have no idea why lighting Magnesium really is a bad idea.
62. Deserving a medal but never getting one, Mutley I feel your pain.
63. Some Modern art where a bit of dirt on the ground is called an 'installation' and then worth 10 grand plus.
64. Most of the new age shite thats out there, for instance being able to get a new age book with 'free magical gems', no.1 free gems just doesn't sound right and no.2  free magical gems? don't make me sick
65. Being made sick.
66. Unrequited like.
67. People whose knowledge about David and Victoria Unnecessarilywealthyham's lives surpass's their understanding of what gravity does.
68. The no.68.
69. Milky tea.
70. Listening to a joke I've already heard, that was shite the first time too.
71. Being made to partake in a magic trick that I used to do myself, better.
72. My inability to stop myself from doing magic tricks when after a few too many.
73. People who blame being absolutely out of their heads drunk, on the fresh air, thats right yeah, its the feckin fresh air, nothing at all to do with the banquet of booze you had in the club.
74. Men over 18 with velcro wallets.
75. Pad locks on clothing, bras are hard enough to get off a times, nevermind padlocks on the rest of clothes aswell.
76. People who know more about what your doing than you do.
77. War.
78. Midges.
79. Shaving.
80. Israel's foreign policy.
81. The way David Davin Power never seems to need to blink.
82. The fact that porridge seems to never end, you eat spoon after spoon and yet it seems like you've made no inroads into it all, the miracle food indeed.
83. People who don't smoke telling me, smoking will kill me, yeah well, this smoker will kill you, now bog off
84. The feeling you get when you realise that the decision that you made that just seconds ago that seemed to be perfectly resonable, is now about to result is severe and instant pain.
85. People who tuck their jeans into their white socks.
86. Anything with an exoskeleton.
87. Angelia Jolie, she never rang me the next morning even though she said she would.
88. People who wearing sunglassses indoors.
89. Cruelty to animals.
90. Not getting the exact amount of petrol/diesel into my car and missing it by over 5 cent and then wondering should I offer to pay the difference or will they let me off.
91. Being offered whether you want mayo or butter on your sandwich, you clearly say butter but still get mayo.
92. The Gilmore girls
92. Incontinuity
93. Not having the right equipment to finish your perpetual motion machine.
94. Thinking of the perfect thing to say to someone five minutes after they're gone.
95. Jazz.
96. Justin Beaver's (or whatever it is) whole being.
97. When you lose something, the way people say; "well its always the last place you look" obviously you ape, I'm hardly going to find it and then continue to look, now am I?
98. The way things were always easier in the back in good auld days, my arse.
99. Celebrities used as experts on talk shows.
100. Comedy done in list form

Windmills of their mind

I was asked today if windmills are solar powered? I smiled, it was good.*

*yes, I am aware that nearly every form of energy is ulitmately solar, since without the Sun there would be no wind, but you get the initial point and silliness of the question, so feck off.

Ha

hahahhahahahahaahhahhhaahah aah yes.

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

Check out my new Book Review Videos, on the right hand side of the blog under the Pages section they are all there nice and neat. I'll be adding to them often so keep you or else find the youtube video and subscribe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NY6cIuJtop8, well thats it for the breaking news, if you want you can leave suggestions, comments or ideas (and 'abuse' as is you anonymous right) on the youtube comment section or here on my blog where ever you can.

Hippy hippy shake

You know that song by Shakira 'My Hips Don't Lie', wouldn't that just be plain awesome. There you are going out with Shakira and not only that, but also she can never lie to you. Picture it, "Shakira where were you last?", you ask and she replies with a deadly serious face, "I was with a few of my girlie friends, you know, chatting about hair and nails and hitting pillows off each other with only sexy underwear on"*. But her hips defy her, and they start shaking like crazy. "God damn it Shakira! you were with that dang Jose, the pool boy, again weren't you?". Ah yes, Shakira; the modern day Pinocchio! except it isn't 'noses' that get bigger by her shaking those hips..[insert penis reference here].

*this is what all ladies do as far as I know, when they are alone with other lady friends, it seemed like a logical example to use.

A new year resolution, not the best solution

My new year resolution is to give up smoking.......and try meth. Just a little joke there for you all. I feeling pretty damn funny these days, jokes just rolling from my lips, must be all the meth.

bootiful

yes its fair to say to i like classical music, this is one of those tunes that i think even people who don't like classical can't deny its beauty, to play it just click the play button above the yes at the start of this post

A fook book poem

Always laugh when I sell this book, awesome title! Just goes to show never judge a book by its cover

I just sold a customer a book, I gave the customer quite a look, for the book he had took it was a naughty book, he didn't look like a crook as he took the book, perhaps he had things mistook and he was a bit shook as he took the book from my hook, I dunno everything is just forsook.

Facebook Foibles

Does it get much more awkward than this?

That awkward moment when the 'that awkward moment' joke isn't funny. I hate people who post cutting edge awkward moment jokes that just aren't funny. This poster is funny, brilliant in fact.

Classy Cover

The Coronas version of 'the Lakes of Pontchatrain'. Absolutely beautiful, this is an acoustic version they performed on the Ray D'arcy show. I love this sound anyway but have to admit these guys have brought it to a new level. Well done lads, Irish music is alive and well with voices and talent like that. Ooooooh I feel patriotic, I'm off to drink...erra no, a quick spot of mountain climbing in the wilds will do.
To get this to appear properly just click the play button above the The Coronas at the start of this written piece.

Larson the Legend

Air time

A customer just asked me for a book that we have in the shop window, I step outside to take a look at which book, now I can only imagine the view from inside the shop to that customer, lets just say my feet ended up where my head should have been, completely up ended myself, limped back in to the shop, 'well its not on the ground, I had a good look there', customer did not laugh. not good. sore Nicholas, Nicholas bocht. Think I dislocated my face.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho its off to another tea break we go...

I am obsessed with work, seriously I just love it. I mean I could sit here and watch it for hours. Actually do it, no. I'm more of an observer.

Green Eyes

I know the video for this seems to disappear, just click on the play button above the 'I know' at the start of this sentence and bingo, a green screen, thats all it is by the way, green. I'm an auld romantic at heart, this song reminds me of someone. It was never released as a single.

The sky falls

I am going to check out the final night of the Geminids meteor shower tonight, Feck off clouds, mist and fog just feck off. -2 to -3 tonight aswell, pitch black beach, just me with my big eyes in the darkness, where else would I be?
*For more Science check out the science page on the left hand side of this blog.

A Tale of Two Pitys

A long time ago there once was a chicken, but he was no ordinary chicken. Even as an egg his parents knew there was something different about him. When he hatched and as he got older this difference became more and more appartent. He shyed away from all the other young chicks and seemed to have no interest in the stables of chicken life. He failed terribly at chucking and could never get the hang of pecking at the dirt on the ground. The other parents would be so proud of their little adolesent chickens, chucking and pecking at a grade A standard, this made our chicken's parents embarassed and they would give out to him saying, 'Why aren't you like the others, maybe if you just tryed to do the same things as they do you would be accepted'. Our story's chicken was a good little chicken and as such he did as his parents said and tired to be normal for their sake.

Around the same time as our chicken was chucking and pecking despite his own wishes, a little boy was just about to begin something new. It was his very first day at school. He stood in his bright blue uniform with grey slacks as his fussing mother, acting not unlike a chicken herself, cleaned his cheeks here and took a picture there. His uniform was so new and stiffened that it gave him the appearance of a steroid addicted weightlifter, the wool had yet to get used to his scrawny body. He wanted so much to make his Mom and Dad proud and he had thought to himself that school would be the place to do it. he was not the strongest little boy, even his fully laden school bag on his back meant that he had to use the weight of head to ensure he could stand upright; this meant when he was walking or standing still, he was always leaning 30degrees forwards. This lack of strenght meant he was not very good at sport like his brothers and sisters, so knew school was his chance to shine. He hopped on the school bus, leaving his teary eyed mother waving through the dust that the bus had kicked up as it pulled away, he thought; this is it, time to make an impression.

The chicken tried his hardest and for a while things were going good, he didn't make any real friends but his parents were happy, the happier he made them though the sadder he was. He just wasn't being true to himself. This little chicken had a gift, or maybe a curse, he could speak English. It went misunderstood by the rest of the chickens. sometimes they would say 'Chuck!' and he would reply 'H-E-L-L-O' back before he swiftly realised his mistake and 'chuck' instead. He found also that pecking at the ground did not bring him the satifaction that his parents had hoped. He would drift off and think about his existence, as a chicken. To peck or not to peck, that was his question. He grew weary. He forged a plan in his chicken mind to escape and explore the wider world. To experience things in a way he knew only his chicken eyes could. He would leave the next day, just after dark, while the rest sleeped.

School did not go to plan. The other children seemed to find something new everyday to mock him with. The boy knew what his major difficulty was; he was too average. Not smart enough to be a nerd and not cool enough to be a jock. Not ugly enough to be interesting, even to look at, and not handsome enough for the girls to notice. He wandered about aimlessly. He felt as a ghost must, trying his best to get noticed but people almost didn't realise he existed. This was not going to plan. He began to picture his future, he would end up working in some random cubicle, selling a random product over the phone to some random person. He would live in a small apartment alone, except for the collection of cats that he kept for company, even though he could see in they're eyes that would leave if he didn't supply the food and water. This was not going to plan at all. He would change the next day, he thought hard about how to become interesting and settled on being a goth, he knew at 5year old goth would get attention, he donned white make-up, just after dark, while the rest sleeped.

The Cock made his usual morning call, and the day begun as it had done for hundreds of sun rises before then. It wasn't until just after noon that he was noticed missing. His parents felt alot of emotions, but the winner in the battle for their hearts was ultimately embarrasment. He was at least six hours chicken walk
speed from his home by now. He thought he might feel regret and chicken out of it (so to speak) at about 2 hours in but he didn't. He felt truly free for the first time since he escaped from that sealed pod of an egg. He felt now the same exhilaration as he did then when he gasped for his first breath through the cracks in the shell. He felt alive but anxious, he felt unprotected but strong. He walked and explored every bend and curve in his path. He spoke English to every creature he met but none replied, so he stopped and simply enjoyed watching them and noting their behaviour. He noticed something strange in the distance, something his eyes had not ever seen before. The only way his mind could describe it was as a strange straightness. He made his way towards it.

At breakfast, the family stared for an incredibly awkward lenght of time as he chewed his cornflakes. He ignored it and in turn they chose to ignore it. His black jacket went down to his ankles and his skin was as white as a coked up polar bear taking a turn for the worse. This would work, he was only five and had grown less than three feet making him resemble a type of penguin in his new garb, by god people would notice. He waited by the bus stop as he did every monotonous morning after every monotonous morning. He spotted something through his black eye-lined eyes in the distance. It was moving very slowly and it was either miles away or was absolutely tiny. He waited. He watched and waited. Eventually there it was. Staring at him from the opposite side of the road, a Chicken. He stood looking at this strange creature standing in front of him, it was black from head to toe except for a brilliantly white face, it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. He walked closer mesimerised. He reached it's side and looked at it. This was not what the boy was expecting, when he wanted to be noticed. He did not expect this. This was a shocker. The curious chicken was just staring at him. So he stood good few feet back from him and asked more or less to himself, "Why did you come here?!". He had waited, the chicken, for all of his existence for this moment. Finally a creature who would be able to understand him. Oh, the long conversations they would have together, Oh, the questions he would finally get answered. He cleared his throat, "ahem, to get to this place, to get here, to get to you, to get to this sid........................................................................................................................... the bus hit him and he felt nothing anymore. The boy looked at where the chicken had been, now there was nothing but a cloud of slowly decending feathers, they floated gently to the ground, beads of blood stained their natural whiteness in a most unnatural way. The bus driver barked at him to take his seat, so he did. He was still in shock and if he had removed the makeup he would still have as white a face. He kept muttering,"to get to the other side", the young boy next to him on the bus asked, "wha happen to you freak?", the boy told him, "I asked this chicken why he crossed the road? He said to get to the other side". The other boy laughed. And so a legend had began, that ladies and lads is the true tale of the great joke.

Mornings Work, innocent spelling mistake

Just spent all morning in the attic of a shed with a 15ft drop onto cold hard concrete below me, at least the water tank is now well and truly insulted. Just re-read that there; its suppose to be 'insulated', its sounds better the other way though, just me up in the attic randomly insulting the water tank, pointing at it, 'look at you there all cold and stuff, call yourself a water tank...'

Tis the season to be Sacrilegious

As we approach this Christmas season, I implore you all to consider to yourselves, whilst in a quiet mood, have you too found Jesus in your life...I did, turns out he was down the back of the couch. Looking for change in my life, spare change and biscuit bits, tellin you the man is harder to get rid of than a Jehova witness

A gathering of greatness, over a bite to eat of course.

Pride before a score

Womenfolk of the world, I am going out tonight - you have been warned.
disclaimer: Nicholas 'Mr. President' Barry is not responsible for any actions/feelings that may occur whilst you are in his company, he just has that effect. The Nicholas Effect.