A gathering of greatness, over a bite to eat of course.

Pride before a score

Womenfolk of the world, I am going out tonight - you have been warned.
disclaimer: Nicholas 'Mr. President' Barry is not responsible for any actions/feelings that may occur whilst you are in his company, he just has that effect. The Nicholas Effect.

Christmas time, mistletoe and glitter

Spent all day in the bookshop putting up Christmas decorations and while doing so discovered that he has superpowers; the power to attract any form of glitter, no matter how far away, directly to his face. For a while there I looked like that Edward fella from Twilight when he's in sunlight, except of course for the fa...ct that I look nothing like him, fair enough, I looked more like a disco ball, a grumpy disco ball.

People are idiots

If you tell someone that there are over 400 billion stars in our galaxy, they will believe you, but if you tell them that that window sill has just been painted, they just have to touch it and only then will they believe you...

KEO

The most common sounds in the human world are k, e, and o. So what are these letters about well a most awesome project is underway, first thought up by the artist Jean-Mark Phillipe, It involves a satellite that was suppose to leave this planet in 2003, but good news for me its delayed until 2011 (to be honest I have my suspicions as to whether it'll ever leave) and the idea is really cool, the satellite will return to earth in 50, 000 years and will hold valuble information about humanity as it is now, and here's the really cool part each of us gets the chance to write 6,000 words and it'll be sent off into space only to return in the hope that our ancestors will be curious, outstanding. One tiny flaw to put this in perspective 50,000 years ago is known to be roughly the dawn of the human age, how different things will be in another 50,000 are unfathomable. Anyway check it out KEO. Enough done, a boring blog, just need some inspiration for the next one.

Zouch

Working in a bookshop is just plain awesome, I've been part-time in a bookshop now for ten years and by jove its fantastic. You get to meet the weird and wonderful on a daily basis. Let me first of all speak about the weird.
The weird: You walk into a store that has a sign over the door upon which dons odd symbols on it that spell out 'bookshop', you walk past what seems like an endless line of books, there are books from the floor to the ceiling, you spot a staff member of this most unusual shop, its takes you quite a while to reach this staff member because of the amount of books that first must be passed, finally you reach him, he's sitting on a chair behind a large desk with a twin towers of books on each end, his face is framed by these books and he is deep in concentration as he prices another pile of books with a slow and purposive, click click click from the pricing gun in his hand. You inhale as you prepare to ask the question that has been on the tip of your tongue ever since you walked through the doorway. The worker's slighty larger that normal eyes are sharply focused on you now and you speak in a tone that seems too loud for the surroundings, "DO YE SELL BOOKS?". (I can't emphase enough how often I get asked this bloody stupid question while I'm at work, I used to think it was funny to answer that no we don't, we sell bookselves and that the books they see are only there for decoration, but recently I thought of a new thing to say the next time its happens, so the story continues after this bracket, here it comes. . .). The staff member looks at you with suspision clouding his slightly larger than normal eyes after what seems an age he finally speaks with an incredibly monotone voice, "I have been sitting here, waiting enons to hear someone ask that question, I am older that wind and more patient that the mountains and finally what the scriptures spoke of begins. . ." he sits after that sentence and forks his long fingers into a spire and rests his chin on the tips, his slightly larger than normal eyes look you up and down and finally fall to rest on your face and he says,". . .and it begins with you". Confused and mildly scared you not sure whether to leave or wait to hear more, but this is the first time that you felt special so you stay and wait. As if pre empting your question he begins to speak again " Let me explain, My name is the BOOK-KEEPER " even though he didn't speak his name loudly it still seems to reverbate around inside your skull. " and I have been given a vital responsibility by the Order of the Zouch, for you see your question of me was quite pertainent, I can see that you must be the 'one' that the writing of lore have spoken of because of your insightful question, because this is indeed not a bookshop, but the books are merely a thinly veiled guise that hides the true purpose of this place. I was chosen to guard a gateway, a gateway to a place in which all the wonders of the universe lie exposed for your perusal" The excitment within you has been building like a tropical storm, this man with the slighty larger than normal eyes has you hook, line and sinker. He says " one of the books in this place once it is pulled from the shelf opens this gateway, and now it falls to you to choose, but choose wisely, for you can choose only one and more importantly you can choose only once for if you choose incorrectly I must kill you."
And that is exactly what I would love to say, but until the next time, I say to you, keep watching the book shop, for it could be you.

I don't think there is anything better in life than been drunk and typing whatever comes to mind which is what i'm doing write noe. I've been out with my friend, ah hell lets call him 'hom' if it isn't a real name then it should be. 'Hom' what lady could resist a name like that, unfortuntley probably an awful lot. ah yas talking bull shite, or in other words talking; exactly what they want to hear. for instance tonight i convinced a girl that had just returned home after a trip which involved climbing k2. surely this is a step too far you might think, but no not for a man of my skill, far from it. was i with this girl? no, no no i was not. but that still does not lessen the fact that she truely belived the fact that less an week ago I had climbed k2. Indeed I went into such detail as to say that it would not have been possible without my friend, slash serba Berg Carl, so called because I had very little time to thing and just but the particular pint i was drinking backward, an awesome moment if i do says so myself. however and at this stage you are priobably wondering how the hell did it go wrong after this? well is quite simple, i was out with a friend, called 'hom' I think I may have mentioned him before but too be honest I'm too drunk and too lazy to back track over what i've previously typed. this just proves that this live. Ah chridt i've forgetten what I was saying....................you know what is really awesome???? when you pull up to a petrol station(for all my american friends a 'gas station' which to be honest sounds like some like of place that is especially designed for those who like to fart in a particural area, i lknow 'particular' is spelt wrong but feck it i'm drunk right now so deal with it. ) and but in exactly the right amount of petrol that you meant, that is to say, that you but in 5.00 not 5.01 but exactly 5.00. oh what a man you feel. if you didn't get just right then people would laugh at you and I wouldn't blame them. Other than my huge penis this is what I rely on, yes I rely on my abilty to just the right amount of petrol into my car to prove my manhood. outstanding. I have completely forgetten what is waqs I meant to say, so just enjoy this blog the way it is. goodluck

The importance of being earnest

Rightio, I'm sick of being single, that is for sure. I'm about as happy with being a single person as a porta-loo is at a convention for the "lactose intolerant and obese people who love cheese and don't care of the consequences", not many members admittedly but all you reall y need is one to make for an unhappy porta-loo. But I'm also aware that there is no point in giving out about it, so perhaps its time to focus on the advantages of the single life. Um lets see... advantages... good points... pro's if you will... well the major one that people who are in a relationship tend to focus on is the freedom of being single. FREEDOM!! is not as dramatic as Braveheart will have you believe, its boring at times. I'm free to do whatever I want, whenever I want, I can do anything I want to do, except of course what I want to do. Hold on i just realise that I'm suppose to be focusing on the good points. So yes the positives, well I'm free to arse about and do nadda, and I'm free to head out and about whenever I like and chat away to as many slappers as I can fit into an evening as I like but truth is I don't actually like this anymore. Don't get me wrong I love arsing about and having the craic and much as the next person, in fact I love it more than the next person its just I'm getting sick of the same auld shite every night out, the same auld stories every morning and the same auld shock and awe between the lads regarding different women. I now want the same auld shite with the same auld woman again- scratch the auld woman part just wrote that the repetition factor of course I want the same auld shite with the same pretty woman. No no no I'm at it again, focus on the positives for god sake, right another positive is that you can sleep with as many different women as you like. That is a really strong positive and is hard to argue with, except that sometimes the one woman will do just fine, well not just do, no wait that doesn't sound right, what I meant was that sometimes one woman is all you need. If its the right one that is, so you get sick of cracking on to women that you just know won't be there is the long run, that's why when you meet someone and your not sure and it could go either way then you stick with them just in case and its awesome and heart breaking when it sometimes falls apart. ah god dang it I'm gone of on a tangent again.

Conservation of angular momentum

In physics, angular momentum is the rotational counterpart of momentum. A spinning flywheel has angular momentum.

To calculate angular momentum of an object or system, a point is chosen, called the origin (often the centre of mass is used), and the distance to a part of the object is determined. This is then multiplied by the transverse component of the momentum relative to that origin; this gives the magnitude of the angular momentum of that part of the object.

So what those all this mean, well I'll try and explain it, the best thing to do is imagine a hurricane, when the storm that forms a hurricane is beginning it is a large mass of clouds. These clouds slowly start to spin as warm air and cold air meet each other and then the spinning becomes faster and faster as the clouds begin to contract and eventually when they are spinning really fast they create a hurricane.
What has this to do with anything? Well everything. It is because of this principle that we are here in the first place. The Conservation of angular momentum meant that the nebula from which all the stars and planets are made, could make all those stars and planets. these nebula eventually begin to move in the same way as storm clouds do and as such they get denser and denser until they form stars and such. Now.

Its the late late show and here is your host

Why is it that we act like idiots? I include myself in this generalised statement. Cool as an artic breeze most of the time but some of us when but in an awkward situation just turn into idiots. Now there are many different types of awkward situations, for instance, meeting your new boss as she shows another new colleague around the building. nothing awkward about this you say? and ordinarily you'd be right, but no, this is me after all, im in the changing rooms donning my uniform, im now just in my boxers and socks when a knock on the door occurs, I assume that one of the lads must have forgotten there key, so i simply open it, and yes there is my female boss staring at me in shock and i at her, not good.
Thats just one example, lets now get the ultimate example, when for instance when you meet an ex, this should be fine, in fact you should be ultra cool, but nooooooooooooooooooooo, you act like a constipated donkey in a blizzard (confused). nothing you say is right, normally talking to people is a natural and easy flowing hobby but oh no not with an ex instead you talk like a jack ass and all your jokes a just pointless and make you feel like a donkey with diarrohea in a heatwave (more confused), I hate it and thats why eventually you just avoid the ex. its funny if its some else though, like my friend lets call him Proinsias, lord this guy agrees with me, It happens to him too, and a mutual friend of the two of us, lets call him Huckley, it happens to him too, so there you go. If this happens to you, then im thinking of setting up a help line.

Hip hop downhill walking

I' m not sure if many people have noticed this, but its a pet hate of mine (I actually have a dog called hate, just so i can say that, no no i don't, good idea though). It might sound odd but its about walking downhill. I don't mean taking the stairs, thats just about okay, but it's about dealing with slopes and hills and such. Uphill not a bother, but downhill is ridiculous. I believe it to be impossible to walk downhill and look cool. Simply not possible. I have tried different techniques myself and all have failed. The slow walk, the fast walk and even the meaningful walk have all failed to pass the downhill test. So the next time your standing at the end of a road looking uphill, just watch how ridiculous humans look walking downhill.

The Friend Zone: be afraid, be very afraid!

You like a girl ,you enjoy her company and believe that she enjoys yours aswell. This is a good thing right? Wrong. It's a confusing thing and confusion leads to mistakes and miscommunication. Reading too much into somethings and then too little into other things. A man can be friends with a girl, absolutely its possible, its just not easy. The pesky thing called sex gets in the way. Now if your reading this and believe that this isn't true, infact your reading this and thinking, "rubbish I'm good friends with a girl and sex isn't an issue" then i'm afraid one of either two things have occured, number 1: you'd better check yourself because your testicles have fallen off, or number 2: you've fallen into the friend zone. This is a dangerous and confidence killing place for any man to be, especially if the man holds feelings for the girlfriend (bad choice and turn of phrase) I mean girl who has now become a friend. I myself have a friend to whom this has happened, (Cue people thinking I'm actually talking about myself, I can assure you I'm not). He is in love with this girl but can't get anywhere with her, why? again its the friend zone. So using this chap as an example I shall attempt to explain the symptoms that accompany the friend zone virus. This lad is one of the funniest people I know, and one of the smartest and as such one would think he'd have no problem with the ladies but because of his fixation with this girl, as Metallica once put it: Nothing else matters. He would go anywhere for this girl and do almost anything for her and for no return. Now this girl in question knows well how this guy feels and uses it to her advantage. She has him by the short and curlies and is pulling them straight. She has absolutely no intention of ever being with him, but feeds him just the right amount of inneundo to keep him going. Poor guy is blind to numerous calls to pull that wool out of his eyeballs from myself and the rest of his buddies. So just remember its not as much fun in Central Perk as t.v says it is.

Square One

I really wish I hadn't said 'to be continued' in the last blog but there you go, I did. So in the true spirit of honesty I better let you know what happened with me and that girl I spoke about earlier. Not that ye care, but feck ye, ye're going to sit there and read this, and ye're going to care, if ye don't I'll track ye all down and I'll reduce the air-pressure of ye're cars by one psi, muha ha ha, this will lead to ye having to fill up will petrol and diesel more often and this will also have the added effect of melting the icebergs quicker and this in turn will lead to more tv programmes that show polar bears swimming farther and farther out to sea looking for food, which will lead to you feeling bad about yourselves and you wont be able to cheer yourselves up because you've just spent all your money on petrol. . . . . .um where was I. Ah yes, that blasted girl, turns out she's got a boyfriend. Well, that is to say, the last time a friend of mine met her she did have one. So back to square one for me in fact I'm nowhere near square one, square one is so far in the distance that bloody square has turned into a fecking dot. New game plan for me, just need to actually ask someone out. Plan A, I shall call it, the greatest plan ever laid. At least something will get laid.

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah! I was in my local pub, with my local buddies having my local few pints, when the urge to extract the urine from my bladder hit me, so being a fully continent young man I proceeded to the toilets with the goal of doing just that. Hallelujah! It was upon my return that I noticed a sexy girl strolling towards me with an inviting smile. Instantly I assumed there must be someone directly behind me whom she was looking at. Hallelujah! "Its Nicky, isn't it?", she said, "It is.", I said. Thus began a conversation with a girl that I hadn't seen in over five years, we went to school together for a year. I always had a crush on her back then and now heres my chance to make something happen. We parted and we the promise of meeting again sometime. Now I just really hope, nah pray that the next time I'm in my local pub with my local buddies, having my local few pints that I meet her again. To be continued. . .

That Feeling

There is nothing in life like that feeling a person gets when they know thats there is a good chance of being able to sleep with someone. Ah yes one's heart aches and one's mind races. The anxiety builds up to breaking point and every thing is going well between the two of you and then suddenly that moment of awkwardness occurs. We've all been there and there is nothing quite like it, the deathly silence when a glance between the two of you is shared and ye both konw there and then that the two of you with soon be entwined in a carnal frenzy of passion and joy. This moment of silence is very important, vital to a point. It is not a moment in which ones says, " hey baby! I saw a road sign earlier today and thought of this moment it said - slippery when wet! heh heh heh!". No, this moment is a moment for silence and patience, and if the bravery levels are up abit then its time for action. Take a hand and lead towards the bedroom, or couch or whatever seems most appropriate. This moment is fragile and should be dealt with care. So be vigilant and eyes open.

Lonely bones

Its amazing what you can get used to, humans have an amazing ability for getting used to almost anything. I suppose in the animal kingdom we'd call that adapting. adapting to changing circumstances and environments. People can do the same with the urban environment and what with being on the top of the food chain that means we only have to get used of each other. I was on my own before i met the ex and i was quite happy that way. however recently ive just noticed how lonely i am at times. I'm talking about the type of thing that involves sitting in and watching telly on my own, staring at the dog and wondering what's going on in his head, this can be an amazing thing to do while away the time. You see loneliness and boredom go hand in hand and can kill a person's soul. I can remember a time when I didnt mind being on my own, now of course its different. Thing is one gets used to it and the person doesnt even notice its happening. Well thats it for now, needed a rant and besides it kept the boredom away.

Much ado about nothing to do

The problem with trying to rise out of the ashes of a shelled and gutted relationship is that sometimes you would rather run around in the debris with superglue and try to paste the pieces back together rather than simply move on. "Simply move on", what a bad choice of words. There is nothing simply about it. you say to yourself millions of people have been through this before and they have recovered so logically you will aswell. It doesn't help. You say to yourself that if two people want different things then sometimes a compromise cannot be reached and thats the end of it. It doesn't help. In fact nothing much does help. I find keeping myself busy means I have less time to solely focus on the missing piece of me. Its always there though as it always hurts.
You see if one party is still in love with the other, its very hard to get angry with them for leaving you. Anger can be a very useful tool in getting past something this, anger means that you don't miss that person and you don't worry about that person, it is a very selfish emotion. Without such a dominant emotion as anger you can find yourself becoming overcome with lesser emotions such as compassion, for the other party, sorrow for the both of you and finally hope.
Hope is the real killer. Hope takes over when the other party gave you no real reasons. Hope means that you never fully deal with the reality of things. You end up thinking about senariosin which everything will be fine, it'll sort itself out, the right word here the right action there and everything is back to normal. Whilst this may be true for a lucky alternative version of yourself in this vast multiverse, it rarely is for little auld you. Little auld you has to dust yourself off from the debris and simply wait. Do nothing but wait, it will eventually get better. Thats what I'm banking on anyway.

Women

When reading this please keep in mind I do not really believe a word of it, its just a bit of funny commentary on things i've heard sitting in the bar.
In my mind there are three different kinds of the female species available to man; the good, the bad and (of course) the ugly.
The Good, if your a man then you know the kind. you have a lot in common and my god she seems to get my warped sense of humour. she even seems to get along with my female friends and doesn't mind be going out with the lads on a regular basis. it seems too good to be true, well it is. give the relationship around three months and the boredom clicks in. that other girl at the end of the bar is distracting you from your dutyful girlfriend. you continue to go out for a month or so out of guilt before giving her the flick. She takes it badly, cries etc. but that same night you go out and never look back... then it happens, that girl whom i refer to as the bad appears.
The Bad, shes has that sultry look, that sexy way of acting. She ignores you but you just know shes loving the attention. you continue to woo her until at last shes walking back to your house whispering in your ear, you can bearly stand the excitement. The next morning theres none of that cuddles and chat bolloxs, she wants it again, you of course oblige. You know deep inside that she'll move on the minute something else catches her eye. you try to sway her, so as to grow a emotional attachment to you. something like a terrorist and its hostage. It never works, she does move on. and thats the one that hurts, every time you see from then on you feel a pang, god i want her, i so want her etc. There truely are worth the ride... if you catch my drift.
The ugly, your confidence shattered after that encounter with the bad, you gotta start somewhere right? this is where the ugly arrives. what more can i say, she'll do until 'the good' comes along again. and thus the cycle continues.

Drinky Drink Drunk

Alcohol the cause of and solution to all of life's little problems", as stated by Homer. It is said that the Eskimos have 40 words for snow (which they don't, they have one- snow) but the point is that they have a lot of snow around them. Considering this, how many words do we have for drunk? Lets see, there's drunk, pissed, locked, polluted, rat-arsed, fuck-faced, blotto, rotten, out of your skull, oscillified, wasted, shellified (to be a shell of a man), scuttered, drowned, boozed, well on, inebriated, intoxicated, under the influence, three sheets to the wind, tanked up, cut, well oiled, fried, pixilated (my personal favourite), plastered, blind, paralytic, legless, sloshed, smashed, stocious, langers, bolloxed, flaming, off ones face and or tits, and they are just the ones I can remember at the time of writing this. Please feel free to add to this list. This shows us that we, like snow to the Eskimos, are surrounded by drink and drunkiness. Now I myself are a happy member of this clan of people (not Eskimos I mean drinkers) and I do enjoy a good night out, I rarely however go out with the mindset that I will get 'out of my tree' (theres another one) it just snakes up on you. One minute grand the next floored (and another one). The theory that I hear quite often about this is the one of "it was the fresh air that did it to me" is a ridiculous statement to make. It wasn't the fresh air it was the banquet of booze you had in the pub that did it. The miracle of Alcohol is its power to make every decision made to be perfectly fine. What I mean by this is the way that part of your mind, the part that normally controls your actions, becomes smaller and smaller until it is merely a wee echo in the back of your head. It starts to say things like, "aaah now Nick you know this isn't a good idea, in fact this is the worst idea you ever had, that tree is really quite tall and its beside a quite deep river and its branches are quite weak and its home to the deadly eagle owl who's in heat at the moment, trust me here...". Eventually this voice is replaced by one that says,"don't listen to that, this is infact the greatest idea you have ever had, nothing can possibily go wrong, besides look at the tree its practically mocking you with its tallness, do it Nick make it happen, do it...". All that stuff about drinking being bad for your memory is a load of rubbish, being bad for your memory is a load of rubbish, is a load of. . .what was I saying again ah well.

The Hangover

It is a sad but true fact that my hangovers are probably the worse looking ones in the world, if Carlsberg did hangovers (and they do trust me) they'd look like Nicky. There I am in bed with my head on the pillow and my eyeballs touching of the ceiling, yes they bulge that badly, I see around corners five minutes before i reach them. A shadow of darkness surrounds me as like a black hole all light cannot escape my eyes. The redness of my eyes makes me look like an angry lemur with a grudge. The pain in my head means that attempting to think is not an option. A is for umbrella. The shake in my hands mean that using them involves attaching casts and standing in cement. Is it worth it? the look of death the stench of booze the horrid face of others as they gaze at the shell of a man before them, children running scared and dogs howling at the moon as I approach, yes, yes it is.

Warning; the effects described in this article should not happen to you, if they do seek medical advice immediately.